According to Hofmann: Foreign kids on unicycles
They say the cause and effect of overeating and weight gain is considered to be something of a 鈥渧icious cycle.鈥�
Being what the doctors diagnosed as a 鈥渓ard butt,鈥� I happen to agree; however, I wouldn鈥檛 refer to it as being 鈥渧icious鈥� at all. It蘑菇视频 more like a frustrating cycle that蘑菇视频 difficult to control, so let蘑菇视频 say it蘑菇视频 a unicycle.
A lot of people use food as an outlet to cope with stress or boredom or the fact that one person can only eat so many rice cakes before they snap and take out a food truck on the highway.
That really isn鈥檛 my problem at all because the way I deal with stress is healthier as I find ways to pass it on to others so they can deal with it through eating, drinking, smoking, gambling, blanket crocheting or their preferred vice of choice.
However, the root cause of my overeating can be blamed on kids living in impoverished lands in foreign countries like China or Ethiopia or Canada.
You know those kids because your parents told you about them whenever you wouldn鈥檛 eat your vegetables.
鈥淢ark, honey, listen to mommy,鈥� my mommy would say. 鈥淵ou need to eat your beets because there are kids in Montreal who don鈥檛 have food like you do, and they would do anything to have those beets in their tummies instead of resorting to eating their hockey equipment.鈥�
So I ate the beets because I genuinely felt so bad for those kids (and still very much do) and when an adult pressures you to do the right thing, you don鈥檛 have time to think about the illogical idea that eating beets would make a starving kid in China feel better because people don鈥檛 share digestive systems unless it蘑菇视频 a 鈥淗uman Centipede鈥� scenario.
Other than feeling stuffed and sickened by the beets, I also felt good that I managed to do something positive in the world at a young age.
The bad part was nobody told me when to stop because it蘑菇视频 become a deeply psychological torturous unicycle to never leave anything on my plate, and if the plate itself is edible, then the sky蘑菇视频 the limit.
Of course, there蘑菇视频 been struggles and challenges like having eyes bigger than my stomach (and who thought that was possible) at all-you-can-eat buffets where I managed to shove the last morsel of meatloaf in my mouth and later, when the paramedics were taking me out on the stretcher, I held up my fist and said with pride, 鈥淚 did it for you, foreign kid!鈥�
On other occasions like cleaning out the fridge, I鈥檇 always come upon that moldy piece of cheese or the brown and wilted lettuce or the Hamburger Helper where the moisture had left the pasta and made the food an island surrounded by salty water.
My first notion was always to toss that stuff in the trash, but then a voice in my head asks me if a foreign kid would throw that stuff away鈥r would they eat it?
Again, I did it for you, foreign kid.
This psychological issue even grew worse after I got married and my wife and stepdaughter would only eat half their food.
鈥淥h man!鈥� I remember saying the first time that happened. 鈥淲e鈥檙e going to have some good leftovers for tomorrow.鈥�
It was then they informed me that they didn鈥檛 save leftovers because they didn鈥檛 like eating leftovers.
鈥淏ut that蘑菇视频 like four meals for the foreign kid!鈥� I screamed as I made an action-hero蘑菇视频 leap in the air to wrestle the food out of my wife蘑菇视频 hands before it met the trash can.
They didn鈥檛 understand and asked what I was talking about, but I was too busy shoveling spaghetti and garlic knots in my mouth to answer them.
So the unicycle continued to rock back and forth at home or at a restaurant where I ate my meal and watched the other two that hate foreign kids not finish their meals and then I sighed and finished their plates.
The waitresses would always come over and say, 鈥淲ow, you were certainly hungry,鈥� which I would then reply through stuffed cheeks, 鈥淣o, I鈥檓 the closer.鈥�
With that said, I鈥檓 starting my 3,012nd diet starting tomorrow or when all the ice cream is out of the house.
The plan for this one is simple like the 2,987 other 鈥渟imple鈥� diets, but this time I plan to not fix myself a meal at dinnertime and not order food for myself whenever we go out to eat.
Rather, I鈥檓 going to sustain myself on unwanted leftovers, thus vastly reducing the amount of food I eat at any given meal while leaving no piece of food wasted.
Except beets. Even foreign kids refuse those.
But seriously, we should all donate to worldwide causes to end hunger if we can like Action Against Hunger, Feed My Starving Children and The Hunger Project as well as to local food shelters. Make your mommy proud.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.