According to Hofmann: The imaginary freeloader
Just when I think life is starting to return to normal following whatever new helping of crazy that the world dishes out, life throws me a curve ball. A freeloader has been introduced to my family.
I actually witnessed the birth of this freeloader, somewhat, and it was still a shock to me.
No, I鈥檓 not talking about a pet giving birth to a litter or scorpions hatching from the cactus I bought at a dollar store in New Mexico.
I鈥檓 talking about my stepdaughter蘑菇视频 imaginary friend.
Emma was recently in a swimming pool as I took my position on the deck where the beer happened to be as the weather was mild and the water was freezing cold.
鈥淐ome in and play with me, daddy,鈥� Emma said, wanting me to take part in such games as Marco Polo, ring toss, 20 questions (why she prefers to play that game in the pool is beyond me) and reenacting stunts from 鈥淭he Matrix鈥�.
鈥淣o, thanks,鈥� I said between beer belches. 鈥淒addy fell for that trick last time and lost all feeling in his toes for six hours.鈥�
鈥淧leeeeeeaaaaaassssse!鈥� she whined.
鈥淛ust swim around for a while,鈥� I said.
鈥淭hat蘑菇视频 okay,鈥� she said. 鈥淓mily is going to play with me. Right, Emily?鈥�
My first thought was how many beers I consumed and if I was going through an alcohol-induced hallucination, but that蘑菇视频 hard to do on three cans of Old Milwaukee. My other thoughts came out as questions to Emma.
鈥淲ho蘑菇视频 Emily, where蘑菇视频 Emily, why is Emily a thing now?鈥� I asked.
Emma explained the obvious, that Emily is her friend and she蘑菇视频 standing next to Emma in the pool.
鈥淐an Emily eat with us tonight?鈥� Emma asked. 鈥淵ou can set a plate for her, and she can sit next to me.鈥�
鈥淯mm鈥ure, I guess,鈥� I said, but then decided to avoid doing more cooking than is required of me. 鈥淏ut doesn鈥檛 Emily need to go home to her family?鈥�
鈥淪he蘑菇视频 going to live with us!鈥� Emma said and then they played the saddest game of Marco Polo ever.
Not only was I angry that such major life changes were taking place behind my back while right in front of me, I was also afraid that Emily was going to be more trouble than she was worth.
Turns out I was right because not only did I have to set a plate and some food for Emily that eventually made its way to the dog, but Emma included her in pretty much everything and anything that she was doing, which also involved me.
For example, when I said, 鈥済ood morning鈥� to Emma, she insisted I say the same to Emily; when I yelled at Emma for defecting her citizenship to Greece, she said it was Emily蘑菇视频 idea and when I asked Emma to pull my finger, Emma said she wanted Emily to do it.
My wife said it蘑菇视频 perfectly normal for Emma to have an imaginary friend because my wife had an imaginary friend when she was a kid.
My mother argues that I also had an imaginary friend as a child, but I pointed out to her that my friend, Mr. T, happens to be very real, and his wife, Mrs. T, would always put pierogies in our freezer.
Man, my childhood was epic.
But my focus is now on Emma蘑菇视频 childhood and how I can fix this ongoing Emily issue because I don鈥檛 think any imaginary friend should require lifestyle adjustments.
I know I can鈥檛 convince Emma that Emily doesn鈥檛 exist because I can鈥檛 even convince her to clean her room, especially since Emily is the slob who doesn鈥檛 lift a finger; I know I can鈥檛 simply ignore Emily because my refusal to swim earlier is what created Emily in the first place, so if I ignore her, two more will show up like Gremlins in water; finally, I can鈥檛 put a hit out on Emily because Emma蘑菇视频 imaginary lawyer will sue me over Emma蘑菇视频 emotional trauma.
However, Emily is Emma蘑菇视频 IBFF (Imaginary Best Friend Forever), but she蘑菇视频 10 years old, and real BFFs (Best Friends Forever) at that age only last summer or two, which makes them BFFSO (Best Friends For Summer Only) because a NBFF (New Best Friend Forever) normally makes an appearance.
So my plan is to introduce Emma to her new IBFF, Mister Misses, a magical being made out of rainbows that is part unicorn. Mister Misses doesn鈥檛 eat or drink or need acknowledgement from anyone, and Mister Misses鈥� favorite games include cleaning Emma蘑菇视频 room, taking out the garbage, how many beers they can fetch for daddy and then being quiet when daddy has one of his 鈥渕orning headaches鈥�.
I don鈥檛 know how well it will go over with Emma or if it will work at all, but I have to give it a try and if Emma doesn鈥檛 like it, then I鈥檒l see her in imaginary court.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� is available on Amazon.com.