蘑菇视频

Dec 19, 2021 By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.Com 6 min read

You know, Christmas time really does bring out the best in people.

Well, what I really mean is everyone is looking for 鈥淭he Best.鈥� They seek the best tree, the best gift, the best Christmas-spirited punch and then the best hangover cure the next morning.

Even a curmudgeon like myself succumbs to such holiday pressures, but, for me, it蘑菇视频 seeking the best parking space.

I don鈥檛 know why that is and why it蘑菇视频 more important leading up to Christmas compared to finding the best parking space any other time of the year.

Maybe it has to do with everybody else out and about and looking for the best space, and I believe that every time I enter a parking lot, it蘑菇视频 game on.

Maybe it蘑菇视频 the knowledge that, after parking to go through the grief that蘑菇视频 retail shopping, the thing I want most is a short walk to the vehicle 鈥� even being able to see my car after walking out of the store is something of a Christmas miracle.

Or maybe it was Dec. 17, 2016, when I experienced such a miracle when I parked my car five spaces from the front of a mall, and that蘑菇视频 even counting the three handicapped spaces before it.

I loved that space so much that after every purchase inside the mall, I went outside to put the bags in the car so I could relive the magical feeling of spotting my vehicle right away, having the short, sweet walk to the space and also seeing the spirit-crushing expression of hurt and anger on the the faces of the other drivers when they realized I wasn鈥檛 leaving.

Honestly, why would I leave? If I didn鈥檛 have my wife and kid there, I was going to spend the night in the car in that spot because I鈥檓 sure the Star of Bethlehem would have shined over me.

Okay, I鈥檓 exaggerating a bit, but it truly was the greatest somewhat-Christmas-related day in my life, and I鈥檝e been hunting that white whale ever since.

That is something that I want for the loyal readers of this column to experience 鈥� the pure joy of getting the best parking spot and then have your life ruined by always chasing it.

First, I think it蘑菇视频 a good idea to identify the type of parking person you happen to be because they fall in three categories and because I think it will determine the likelihood of you getting the best spot.

At the bottom of the parking chain are the Stumblers, which are those who just happen to be at the right place at the right time to ease into a space with little to no searching or effort. For them, the best spot may be a one-in-a-lifetime event, so cherish it whenever it happens.

In the middle, there蘑菇视频 the Stalkers. They鈥檙e the ones who see a shopper walking to their car, loading their car or are entering their car. A Stalker pretty much parks a few spaces behind the car and waits as the person sits in their car, starts the engine, lets the car warm up, fires up their GPS, checks their messages, checks the mirrors of the car and then finally starts pulling out (or until they remember they forgot something in the store and then stay in the spot, get out and walk back into the store, leaving the Stalker is still there, waiting).

Now, there蘑菇视频 a sub-genre of the Stalker, and that蘑菇视频 the Vulture. The Vulture is a driver who will either be behind the Stalker or driving up to the Stalker and uses stealth and timing to sneak into and steal the Stalker蘑菇视频 target space before the Stalker can get there.

Vultures are pretty much the scum of the earth. I give them leeway if a Stalker isn鈥檛 using a turn signal, but if the turn signal is on, and the Vulture gets the space, then all you can hope for is parking lot karma to go into effect, which is either rain when a Vulture蘑菇视频 windows are down or hundreds of birds pooping on the car and the Vulture at the same time.

That leaves us with the Hunters like me.

As a Hunter, I have to have the luck of a Stumbler, the patience of a Stalker, the viciousness of a Vulture and the perseverance of, well, your basic hunter.

Basically, I see people leaving the mall or the store and follow them, watch them as they go to their cars and time it right to take the spot smoothly enough to not be a Stalker while considerate enough to not be a Vulture.

I believe a Hunter蘑菇视频 odds of getting the best spot is pretty much the same as the Stalker or even the Vulture as it蘑菇视频 mainly luck and timing that determines the location of the spot. But the skill that actually goes into physically parking in the spot makes a difference, too.

Yeah, I know I kind of built up parking to something more epic than it really is, but there is a thrill when you do get a good spot and sometimes you鈥檙e satisfied if you find any spot at all. Black Friday of 2019 comes to mind 鈥� lost a lot of good men on that day.

Anyway, much like how Christmas makes you want to seek out 鈥淭he Best,鈥� a more relatable statement for the holiday season is it doesn鈥檛 really matter how much you want the best, if you鈥檙e desperate enough, you鈥檒l eventually accept anything.

If that doesn鈥檛 do it for you, you can just find satisfaction in watching a Vulture getting pooped on.

According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.