According to Hofmann: Goldfish: the terror of the sea!
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water 鈥� Goldfish!
Of all the known and unknown beasts that lurk below the water蘑菇视频 surface, I never thought goldfish, the most domesticated household sea animal since the sponge and sea monkeys, would be the cause of alarm and fear.
However, I thought differently after a series of news stories caught my eye 鈥� oh, it caught me eye like a rusty hook with irresistible bait by the sirens from the rocks of Scylla.
Sorry, for a moment there I felt like an old-time sea captain ready to recite a cautionary tale to a land-lover.
Anyway, the first story comes out of Minnesota where officials in the city of Burnsville are asking residents to cease dumping their pet goldfish into ponds and lakes.
The reasons include the goldfish contributing to poor water quality by disturbing bottom sediments, uprooting plants on the lake floor; they compete with native fish over food and, oh yeah, they get freakin鈥� huge!
A recent survey on a Minnesota lake produced goldfish up to 18 inches long 鈥� one of them appearing as though it was digesting a football.
The second story out of Virginia was of an angler who caught a 16-inch-long goldfish that was also 15 inches in circumference, setting a state record and terrifying local cats that suddenly regretted all the swipes they made in the home aquarium.
Let蘑菇视频 just take a moment and consider the messed-up and terrifying notion of this goldfish issue. Say that you have a pet chameleon, and you take it to the forest or the desert and let it go. Then you return to that same spot in a couple of years. Does it turn into a dragon?
No, it doesn鈥檛 鈥� well, I guess it蘑菇视频 impossible to say because it likely blended into its surroundings and is nearly impossible to find, so maybe take your pet iguana there to be sure.
Now, I remember my high school biology teacher telling us that when you put a goldfish into a larger body of water, it grows bigger to adjust to its surroundings or something 鈥� I don鈥檛 know. I kept wondering if I threw my fish at home into the ocean, if it would grow super-big and be able to take on Godzilla in a fight.
Then I remembered the stupidity of those fish as they just swam around and ate their own feces, but they would also eat their own babies soon after giving birth, which made them monstrous killers and something to be feared.
That being said, on to our third story, which is from Florida where a man walking on a beach found a 4-inch tooth from a prehistoric megalodon shark.
What made the story truly odd was the man found another tooth of a megalodon shark three weeks earlier.
Now, that蘑菇视频 either a lottery-worthy coincidence or, it seems, that my goldfish-harboring ocean theory suddenly has some weight to it 鈥� a lot of weight to it.
鈥淏ut, Mark,鈥� you say. 鈥淒idn鈥檛 your high school biology teacher say that fresh-water fish can鈥檛 survive the salty ocean water?鈥�
I told you I wasn鈥檛 paying attention to that hack!
Besides, we鈥檙e talking about a fish that has the ability to grow bigger than the fishbowl from which it came. Do you honestly think a little salt water is going to do anything to it other than increase its blood pressure?
In fact, I predict soon we鈥檒l start hearing stories about surfers surviving deadly encounters with goldfish.
鈥淚 was pulled under and, through the chaos, all I saw were golden scales 鈥� the devil蘑菇视频 scales 鈥� and I thought I was a goner, that it probably saw my surfboard and assumed I was one of its babies to eat. Thank, God, that great white shark was close by and the goldfish went after the shark instead. So much blood 鈥� so much 鈥︹��
So, with that being said, ye land-lovers better take heed and do yourselves right and not throw your fish in any pond, lake, stream, river or ocean and instead flush them down the toilet like Mother Nature intended.
Oh, on a totally separate note, stay out of the sewers.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.