According to Hofmann: A tale of two kiddies
Fellas, I know prom season has come and gone so maybe this week蘑菇视频 column would have been more appropriate for that special time.
Of course, not all proms are set on the same day,, and maybe this column is of more appropriate for Father蘑菇视频 Day. So, today is the most appropriate time to talk about your sons and daughters dating and how you should act.
The subject of dating is one that I have written about many times in the past. I think I did it as more of a guide map for my 11-year-old stepdaughter蘑菇视频 future therapist to follow and pinpoint where everything went wrong in her psychological development.
Anyway, I鈥檝e made it a point to tell Emma, my stepdaughter, that the day when one of these disgusting boys arrives at my front door to meet my wife and me before a date (a date that I鈥檒l either accompany them on or follow them very closely with surveillance equipment), he鈥檒l first be met by me drinking hard bourbon and sharpening a samurai sword in a cloud of cigar smoke.
You may think it蘑菇视频 all for intimidation, but you鈥檙e wrong. The bourbon and cigar is just for my relaxation from the stress of seeing my little girl on a date.
The samurai sword, however, is for intimidation purposes only; of course, if the date doesn鈥檛 come out of the car and honks the horn for the girl to come out, then his parents better have car insurance that covers 鈥渟cratches鈥� from ancient Japanese weapons.
Now, one would think field-stripping and cleaning a pistol or a rifle would be more intimidating, but you鈥檙e wrong.
When someone sees you have a gun, they can only assume you have, well, a few other guns. When someone sees you have a samurai sword, then they honestly have no clue what else you have in the house.
鈥淵ou better treat my little girl right, Kyle, or do you want to see the dungeon 鈥� I mean, the basement?鈥� I always say in my best Batman voice in the mirror because I have a feeling the little punk蘑菇视频 name is going to be Kyle.
Also, that蘑菇视频 the only coherent sentence you should say to Kyle throughout the exchange; the remainder of the time, you should stay silent and only answer in grizzled grunts.
It蘑菇视频 important to never break eye contact with Kyle either 鈥� even when your wife can鈥檛 stop yammering about how beautiful your daughter looks. Just grunt in agreement, and you鈥檒l be fine.
Now, this idea appealed to my brother, my brother from another mother and my brother in-law, who want to join in on this activity when Kyle comes a knockin鈥�.
Not only are they welcome, but we鈥檙e all going to my brother蘑菇视频 house when my niece starts dating, and we will do the same thing because it takes a village to raise a child, and we鈥檙e very much the village people 鈥� oh, wait 鈥�
Anyway, my idea didn鈥檛 sit well with Emma for the obvious reason that such actions would embarrass her away from dating and make her flee into a convent. In that scenario, mission accomplished.
Emma added that doing such a thing to her and my niece would be unfair because I have a nephew, too, and my brother from another mother has a son, and they wouldn鈥檛 be treated like the girls in the family.
Well, she蘑菇视频 right. In fact, the boys would get it much worse.
That蘑菇视频 because when the boys say they鈥檙e heading out on a date with a special someone, we tell them to be safe, have a good time, don鈥檛 destroy the car and don鈥檛 do anything stupid, which is open to interpretation with implications from ending up at a police station that night or ending up in a hospital nine months later.
The difference between boys and girls, you see, is after we get word from the girl蘑菇视频 parents that the boy didn鈥檛 treat the girl right, the boy is going to be chased around the yard with the samurai sword.
That蘑菇视频 13th century Japanese-style parenting for you.
Now, you can call that sexist, unfair, old-fashioned and possibly criminal, but when it comes down to it, a father will go to such extremes to protect their little girls and make sure their little boys don鈥檛 grow up to be marauding misfits out of 鈥淎 Clockwork Orange.鈥�
So, with that, I salute all you dads out there and wish for you to keep your drinks stiff, keep your cigars lit, keep your samurai swords sharp, keep your surveillance equipment up to date and have a Happy Father蘑菇视频 Day!
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the 鈥淟ocally Yours鈥� radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.