According to Hofmann: Always be sci-fi ready
I tell people that I was once a Boy Scout, but I quit because I wasn鈥檛 prepared, which of course is the opposite of their motto, 鈥淎lways Be Prepared.鈥�
I think that was their motto or one of their mottos. Eh, maybe I鈥檓 wrong. I鈥檓 not very good with mottos or sayings.
Actually, the real reason I quit scouts was because I hate camping. I actually think I was somewhat prepared for it, but I guess you can say I wasn鈥檛 鈥渙utdoors ready鈥� 鈥� which is another way to say I was not prepared.
Anyway, while I may not be outdoors ready, I鈥檓 certainly sci-fi ready.
Sci-fi ready happens when you spend a lot of time watching and/or reading science fiction and horror fiction instead of, let蘑菇视频 say, camping.
However, being sci-fi ready gives you an advantage whenever something out of the ordinary happens that would shock and confuse a normal-thinking person before they鈥檙e devoured by mutant sewer creatures.
In time, you see the patterns, the tropes and the signs that something of a supernatural or horrific presence will take place. Case in point, I woke up early one morning, left my bedroom with my dog leading the way downstairs to go outside.
Then I paused at the top of the stairs. The light in the dining room and the light in the living room were on. I tried to think why that would be as I always turn off all the lights before heading up to bed.
Of course, it was possible that I might have forgotten to turn off one light, but forgetting to turn off both lights seemed very unlikely.
Now, everyone蘑菇视频 first thought is a burglar or an intruder of some type, but as that thought entered my head, I realized that my dog would have been growling, barking and yapping by that point. Instead, he waited at the bottom of the steps with his normal 鈥淐鈥檓on-daddy-I-want-to-go-outside-to-go-to-the-bathroom-and-bark-at-birds-that-I鈥檒l-never-catch-and-get-yelled-at-for-waking-up-the-neighbors鈥� look on his face.
So I finished walking downstairs and surveyed the area, and other than the lights on, everything appeared normal for a weekday morning.
That蘑菇视频 when I decided to be sci-fi ready and entertained the idea that this was some part of an alien invasion where the number of lights on in the home was alien math to indicate to the alien death squads of how many humans inhabited the dwelling.
After turning off all the lights in the house and checking the sky, I received a text message from my wife, Amber, asking if I was okay.
Normally, Amber asks that after I say something that leaves her speechless for a few moments, but seeing how that morning wasn鈥檛 normal at all, I had to consider it was something else, so I texted her back.
ME: I think I鈥檓 okay. Not sure. Were you down here earlier and turned on some lights? [CONFUSED EMOJI FACE]
AMBER: No. I thought you turned on those lights.
ME: LOL. IDK. I just came down here. [NINJA EMOJI, GHOST EMOJI]
AMBER: Are you OK?
ME: Be nice! We may be murdered this morning by aliens [ALIEN HEAD EMOJI] or an indestructible serial killer [BLOODY HOCKEY MASK EMOJI]. I haven鈥檛 figured which yet.
That蘑菇视频 when Amber decided to ignore me, and I decided to heat up a cup of coffee while contemplating my next move to avoid either getting blasted by a ray gun or impaled by a machete.
Soon, I heard footsteps coming down the stairs, and I clutched my heat-activated Batman coffee mug to fight whatever supernatural foe entered the house.
But it was only Amber, who, after ducking out of the way of the flying mug, showed me video on her cellphone.
Months ago, we purchased little cameras to keep an eye on the dog while we were away and for Amber to make sure I was actually wearing pants throughout the day. The footage is stored for 24 hours and can be viewed through an app.
鈥淭his is sooooo creepy!鈥� she said and handed me her phone.
Even before I viewed the video, I realized we were either dealing with a ghost or a demon, and I had to find a priest on Facebook to perform a house blessing or an exorcism.
However, the video showed my 11-year-old stepdaughter, Emma, sleepwalking as she entered the dining room, moved something around, turned on the light, and then left the room to the living room where, after a few moments, the living room light turned on and Emma went back upstairs.
鈥淚 guess that mystery is solved,鈥� Amber said.
鈥淚t sure is,鈥� I replied. 鈥淚 think we should opt for the exorcism because I have to be sci-fi ready.鈥�
鈥溾�re you okay?鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.