According to Hofmann: Haunted opposites attract(ions)
The mark of a truly fulfilling holiday is not the holiday itself, but all the different facets attached to it.
For example, Independence Day has parades, barbecue and fireworks; Christmas has gift giving, caroling, family gatherings, sled riding and ghost stories (hey, it蘑菇视频 mentioned in the song 鈥淚t蘑菇视频 the Most Wonderful Time of the Year鈥� so blame them) and Halloween has trick or treating, costumes, horror films and haunted attractions.
I used to love going to those attractions when I was a teenager and well into my 20s and 30s, trying to find the more innovative ones that really leave an impression on you, and make you want to return year after year 鈥� basically any attraction that sold beer.
Although I have a soft spot for them, there are a few things about these haunted attractions that I鈥檝e never really liked or understood.
I鈥檒l just mention the first and biggest 鈥� and maybe it蘑菇视频 just a gripe of horror in general 鈥� but what蘑菇视频 the deal with the need to recite children蘑菇视频 songs and sayings?
Whether it蘑菇视频 a haunted attraction, a book, a movie or on a truckstop restroom stall smeared with blood (or I hope that was blood), hearing or seeing a line from a kid蘑菇视频 song or rhyme just makes me roll my eyes.
Let蘑菇视频 face it, even a good actress like Kathy Bates drenched in blood (or I hope that蘑菇视频 blood) walking around a dark room with a rubber knife singing 鈥淭he Itsy, Bitsy Spider鈥� at a haunted attraction isn鈥檛 scary to me, and I really do want to embrace the creepiness of it all, but it doesn鈥檛 happen for me.
Perhaps growing older caused me to grow out of the things I thought were scary or disturbing at those places 鈥� things like the masked actors singing, slamming stuff around, popping up from out of nowhere, screaming or then opting for the bloody-disgusting gross out.
Something scary to me would be entering a well-lit room at a haunted attraction, seeing a meek-looking man seated behind a desk, and then he looks at you and calmly says, 鈥淲ell, well. Just in time for your audit. Sit down. Did you bring form 13W.08?鈥�
鈥淪weet mother of 鈥� Run!鈥� I鈥檇 scream as I pushed and stepped on other attendees to make my quick, cowardly exit.
With that being said, I have to say the scariest haunted attraction I ever been to just happened to be last year with my wife, Amber, in Ohio.
We were on our anniversary weekend trip and decided that one night we would check out a rather large and popular haunted attraction at an old prison.
We decided to hit the place early, around 6 p.m., and then grab dinner. We arrived at the prison and it was already well attended with the lot full and getting fuller with vehicles. When I looked over at the line, it was three rows wide 鈥� big, but non-threatening.
We purchased our non-refundable tickets and stood in line with me believing it would be a one, maybe two-hour wait and then dinner.
I鈥檇 like to say the line moved slower than molasses being poured by a sloth in zero-degree weather, but I鈥檝e never seen molasses being poured by a sloth in zero-degree weather, so I can鈥檛 technically qualify it; however, I always wanted to use a sloth-pouring-molasses-in-zero-degree-weather metaphor and, just like the line to the prison, it蘑菇视频 too late to turn back.
By the time we reached the corner of the three-width line three hours later, we were greeted by 鈥� another line that stretched around the prison.
I don鈥檛 know what was louder at the sight of the new line: me howling (some people said whining), my stomach growling or my feet barking. I was the most pathetic werewolf that ever hobbled the Earth.
Amber and I endured that line until we rounded the corner of the prison where we thought we would see the entrance to the attraction, but we were met with 鈥� wait for it 鈥� Another Line!
It was then I realized I was truly at the scariest haunted attraction ever as its dark magic was the sheer torture of waiting in line for almost six hours.
By the time we made it inside and the attraction started, I was so beat-up, hungry and in pain, nothing in the place phased me. At one point, an actor threw something at me that was attached to a rope, so it rocketed at my face and stopped short of hitting me.
I didn鈥檛 even flinch as I viewed everything with a thousand-yard stare.
One sign of good and scary haunted attraction is when it stays with you because, as Amber and I crawled back to our car and drove away for dinner, every place was closed at 2 a.m. That included restaurants, grocery stores and even the fast-food places that bragged about being open late in the night.
We wound up grabbing snacks and drinks at a 24-hour gas station to take back to the motel where I sat on the bed, munching on beef jerky and peanuts and shaking my head.
鈥淣ever again 鈥� never again,鈥� I said and repeated that a few dozen times. 鈥淚鈥檓 sticking with listening to ghost stories 鈥� at Christmas time, of course.鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.