Magic spells to disappear on eBay
Bad news, Hermione.
A week from now, eBay will ban the sale of magic spells and potions. You read that right, the massive online bidding site will add spells and potions to the “prohibited items” list, making any attempt to buy or sell them on the site impossible — without the use of a “Potion of Removal From Prohibited Items List” spell, of course.
The change was announced in the 2012 Fall Seller Update on the site and goes into effect Sept. 1. (If you want to go stock up on newt’s toe, don’t worry, I’ll wait.)
According to the website, the ban includes: “spells; curses; hexing; conjuring; magic; prayers; blessing services; magic potions; healing sessions;” and of course, “work from home businesses & information; wholesale lists, and drop shop lists.”
(Because who doesn’t often use eBay for their one-stop shopping needs for hexes and home business information?)
This is devastating news to all of us who rely on eBay for our otherworldly and occult shopping needs. I mean, where else but eBay can a warlock or wizard find a “Back to school spell Better Grades Improves memory bead” for the low, low price of $7.82?
(You can’t expect me to be able to cast my own spells on a bead for that price. That’s just basic economics.)
And what about the offer of magic spells that are both “100% guaranteed” and “Cast by real professional” for just $26.99? At that price, they’re going to be flying off the shelves, much like the broomsticks and bats. (The conjuring alone would cost almost that much for the do-it-yourselfer.)
However, not all the offerings in the metaphysical category are a good bargain. Take the “All Power Spirit Vessel, 5 Amazing Royal Spirit Entities,” for example. The ring has the spirits of the “female GODDESS Djinn, a Queen Neb Djinn, a female Empress Marid Djinn, a Queen Watcher, and a female Master Ilmu Khodam spirit” all bound to it, giving the wearer “access to unlimited power and abilities.”
But for the price of $282? No, thank you. If I’m spending a few hundred dollars, I’m not wasting it on the spirit of the Empress Madrid Djinn, thank you very much. (There were, however, 11 bidders who felt otherwise. They must not be aware of the reputation Djinn has on the open market. Or perhaps the 3,000 word write up on the item was enough to sway them.)
There are also several haunted dolls (many with “high active spirit” levels) for sale at reasonable prices, but every good mystic knows how perturbed the undead get when you try to ship them UPS.
But in only a matter of days, the whole shop will be closed and the magically abled will have to resort to once again taking the expensive trip to Diagon Alley. But that presents its own problems, as you cannot believe the hassle the TSA gives you when trying to bring dragon’s breath through customs. (And you thought taking your shoes off was a pain, try getting elfin goblins to do the same.)
I can’t help but wonder if this isn’t some devious attempt by the El’thifj Lords to make sure that we’re unprepared for the Great becoming. After all, what better way to cripple the wizarding community than to cut it off from auction-based distribution of crucial conjuring items.
All of this makes it very clear that eBay’s decision to ban spells and potions is the biggest issue facing America today. Forget the sputtering economy, or the Eurozone crisis, or the “war” on coal, or commenting on social issues through chicken purchases — it’s all just silliness to distract us! It’s clear that we need to focus all our political and paranormal capital on reversing this ill-fated idea to ban spells and spell accessories from eBay.
Remember the immortal words of Gandalf: “Ask not what your Hematite Gemstone Runes or Healing Crystals can do for you, ask what you can do for your Haunted Rare Vampire Weight Loss Pendant.”
If you can’t reach him via owl or magical flying monkey, Brandon Szuminsky can be reached at bszuminsky@heraldstandard.com.