Nest, need and nurture in marriage
Honestly, you really don’t have a bad marriage. Marriages have a great deal of potential to strengthen, complete and satisfy you. Truly, marriages are not like a laptop we purchase at a local store, with the defective software waiting to be discovered by continual use and pre-programmed to fail. Marriage is about companionship, growth, emotionality and doing life together.
One view of marriage sees it as a 50-50 relationship. That sounds a bit half- hearted, doesn’t it? I agree that a lack of commitment certainly increases the chances of a marital breakdown. Another view says couples must give 100% – 100% of the time. That sounds inspirational right? I certainly agree with total commitment, but is marriage supposed to take 100% of my effort 100% of the time? That might sound exhausting to some. Maybe, it’s better to start with a basic concept, a foundational understanding, about the relationship we call “marriage.”
At the root, marriage is a deep friendship, a unique emotional, spiritual and sexual union between a man and a woman, together building a home, a “nest” for a lifetime. So then, what happens? Why do couples, far too often, find themselves experiencing such disconnect and disappointment?
When couples date, develop a relationship, become engaged and then marry, they are not at 50-50. How do I know? Because a 50-50 dating relationship does not deliver enough passion to drive couples to the wedding alter. I understand why the 100-100 percent mindset seems like a better, stronger, more determined approach to commitment. But if your marriage takes 100% of you, 100% of the time, why is it requiring so much, so often?
What most couples encounter are underdeveloped approaches to three fundamental areas that lead them to feel the marriage is “bad.” I can highlight those three areas with three words: Nest, Need and Nurture.
Nest. Your home should be your “nest.” So, build a warm and happy one together! Home is where you should feel safe, can be yourself, feel accepted, escape from the pressures of life, rest well, eat well, feel loved and learn how to love others. Wait a minute… I can here you already. You may have said, “That is not my home!” “My home is not my nest!” “My home is the problem!” I hear you. And I am not here to judge you. So, let’s work on the nest together.
Need. People have needs. Needs give rise to expectations. When we expect our mate to satisfy those relational, emotional, sexual or social needs, and they don’t, disappointment sets in. Keep in mind that if your mate could meet ‘all’ of your needs, they would become a god to you. God did not design your mate to meet ‘all’ of your needs. That is His job! Your spouse is your companion.
Wives, I hope you will give me a fair hearing at this point. Yes, you have needs so remember, your husband is not a utility, he is a man, he has a heart, he has abilities and he has dreams. Pick the best place for the most important conversations. Choose the best time to explain the most important needs. Choose the most helpful words to convey the most important ideas. You have needs and communicating them is important!
Husbands, I hope you will listen to me as well. It is a fact you have needs, and those needs should be expressed in a sincere conversational form. Those conversations are more fruitful when you remember your wife has deep feelings, personal aspirations, a need for companionship and emotional security. So, don’t use “word bombs!” I simply mean don’t use inflammatory language to advance your cause. Make genuine and affectionate eye contact. Practice non-sexual touching throughout the week as an expression of affection and appreciation. Listen to what she says and how she feels about what she says. Be patient. Be kind. Be clear. Be loyal.
Nurture. “At the root, marriage is a deep friendship, a unique emotional, spiritual and sexual union between a man and a woman.” I like the word “nurture” because it conveys bonding and growth through affection. I try to encourage couples to nurture one another by reminding them to nurture (love) in body, mind, spirit and in social areas. Husbands should aspire to love, listen, learn and last. Wives should resolve to admire, accompany, assist and affirm. Honest, you don’t have a bad marriage, maybe just time to build a better “nest.”