Navigating home life during college break
Q. I’m coming home for a month for winter break. Will you please print this? My parents read your column regularly. Please tell them that college sophomores (like me) have been on their own for an entire semester for the SECOND year of their lives and they do NOT need to be asked when they are “coming in” or where they are going? I’m not a child. I should not be required to give a report of my activities. Can’t I just be respected? – 19-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: I’m pleased you reached out to me. Your experience is common. Have you considered this: If you seek respect, then I believe you must give respect. You are returning home for break to your parents’ home. Yes, you’ve been responsible at college, and yes, you are not a child. Have you considered your parents’ perspective?
While away, you made your own choices and your parents not only do not influence you, they don’t know those choices unless you share them. When you are living at home, they observe you. If you return home in the wee hours of the morning, for example, you may wake them. If you leave the house without telling them where you’re going or when you’ll return, they may feel uneasy.
Parenting is a tough job – we start as parents with tiny babies and encourage them to be independent from their first words and steps. It’s tough to let go. I agree – your parents do need to acknowledge your adulthood. Can you think of a gentle way to make it easier for them to do so?
I suggest communication. Tell your parents honestly how you feel. It is right that you should be treated respectfully, yes. Setting boundaries should help. Find balance. Ask them what would make them feel comfortable. Expecting to know when you’ll return home is not disrespectful; sharing where you’re going may feel invasive, but you are living with them. Sharing all you feel and do isn’t necessary. Discuss what would make everyone feel respected and able to get along well.
A day may come when you’re a parent yourself. Remember the lessons learned now. Be kind to your mom and dad. There’s no need to disclose all your thoughts and actions but give them the courtesy of feeling safe with you at home. Ease their worry. I hope you have a wonderful break.
Q. Why do I feel like a 12-year-old as soon as I walk in my mom’s house from college?
– 18-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: It’s normal to find oneself reverting to younger roles during college breaks when you’re back home. Talk about it with your mom. You’ve grown and matured. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to know. You’re no longer 12, but there are pluses to being in your childhood environment. When our children came home from college, I made their favorite meals and fussed over them. I loved having them in their old rooms. I’m sure they felt suddenly young as well. Look for the good aspects of being home and tell your mom you’re happy to be with her. These days will be gone soon. Happy break!
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.