Cigarettes could be hazardous to profits
I’m a heavy smoker.
I’m also fully aware of the dangers of that particular addiction.
According to the “SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING” on my current pack of Marlboro’s, “Smoking By Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.”
I have a few concerns about the warning.
First, why did they capitalize just about every word in that warning? Who wrote that?
Second, who reads those warnings, anyway?
I know, I can’t remember the last time I read one them.
The lure of satiating my persistent desire to put a lighted cigarette in my mouth, has always overwhelmed my interest in reading warnings.
I just want to smoke.
Until recently, whenever I’d walk into a CVS pharmacy, there’d be a complete assortment of cigarettes – all pleading with me to take them home.
Not anymore.
The folks who run CVS’s 7,600 pharmacies stopped selling cigarettes on Sept. 13.
I’d always thought it’s peculiar that major drug store chains put cigarettes right inside their front doors, but the stuff that’s supposed to get, and keep you healthy, is always at the far reaches of their stores.
It’s like handing out party hats at funerals, I suppose.
So, when CVS Carmark stopped selling cigarettes, the folks at the chain’s Woonsocket, Rhode Island headquarters also decided to change the company’s name to CVS Health. It wouldn’t be a good idea to put “Health” in your name, when one of your most accessible money-makers is something that doesn’t, necessarily, help you live longer.
Surely, other pharmacy chains will follow, providing CVS doesn’t show massive revenue losses because of its cigarette ban.
If I do decide to try to give up my only vice, I’ll walk to the back of the store, and hand the pharmacist a prescription for something called “Chantix.”
But therein lies a problem.
Chantix, while it can help people stop smoking, can (even according to the people who make it) still cause people to suffer from, “changes in mood (including depression and mania), psychosis, hallucinations, paranoia, delusions, homicidal ideation, hostility, agitation, anxiety, and panic, as well as suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and completed suicide.”
Did they just say “completed suicide?”
So, it could help stop me from smoking, but it could also help me stop me?
I don’t think I’m ready for that.
I guess I could easily find an anti-depressant that might help assuage my suicidal tendencies.
I could get some Elavil or Paxil for that.
Of course, either of those two could cause people to become “irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.”Hum!
If I’m going to “hurt myself,” I’d rather just smoke.
But, let’s say I used Elavil or Paxil, but I don’t get any of the conditions I just mentioned.
There’re still warnings that I just might have “trouble sleeping” if I take them.
That means I’ll have to, perhaps, pick up some Ambien, which is supposed to help me sleep well.
Oops.
The warnings for Ambien include: “Headaches (mostly withdrawal symptom), Nausea (mostly withdrawal symptom), Vomiting (mostly withdrawal symptom), Dizziness, Altered thought patterns, Ataxia or poor motor coordination, difficulty maintaining balance, Euphoria or dysphoria Increased appetite, Increased or decreased libido” and, here’s the kicker – “When stopped, rebound insomnia may occur.”
And even worse, there have been some reports of people who take it, who go sleepwalking.
I’m sure if I took it, and I started to sleepwalk, I’d probably go looking for a cigarette.
It’s not that I don’t trust drugs and the drug stores that sell them. I’m just a little wary of some cures that could cause worse ailments.
There’s a web site called worstpills.org, which points out that there are 62 drugs that can cause eye disease. That’s 62 drugs!
For instance, Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, according to that web site, could contribute to optic nerve diseases.
I know there’s a joke there, somewhere – but I’m not going to use it.
Instead, I’m just going to light up a cigarette.
Edward A. Owens is a three-time Emmy Award winner and 20-year veteran of television news. E-mail him at freedoms@bellatlantic.net