Why do we have to keep doing this grass thing?
My grandmother always had a few feral outside cats that she fed and nurtured. Interestingly enough, because she couldn’t stand bloodshed, she put collars with loud bells on them to provide a warning to the very wildlife they were intended to thwart.
As a result, when the previous owners of the house we were about to buy were moving to a pet-free apartment, and they asked if they could leave their cat behind with the house, I had no qualms about becoming a cat owner.
Because our kids had become comfortable living with Miss Kitty, when they graduated from college, they both got cats. Of course, because the kids also moved into pet-unfriendly apartments, these two cats were eventually deposited at our home, too. It was not until we were co-habituating with three cats, that I realized I had a serious problem – a severe cat allergy.
That was right around the same time I began choking from a shellfish allergy, too. One physician told me that, as we aged and our testosterone dropped, we developed new allergies. This seemed rational because allergies can develop or change due to genetics, environmental exposures, and immune system changes. System overload from having three cats certainly fell into that category.
So, I went to an allergist where I was pricked with over a hundred needles to see how I would react. There were some incredible surprises. For example, I had developed an allergy to cheap perfume. You know, like the kind they use with candles.
Then he told me not to tell my wife, but if she wanted to commit the perfect murder, all she needed to do would be to place cut Timothy grass under my sheet at night and carefully remove it before the coroner came to get my body in the morning. Because Timothy is most commonly cultivated as a forage crop that is popular for horses and cattle, it made me glad I wasn’t dependent upon being a farmer.
鈥婽hat whole grass thing got me to today’s topic. When did manicured lawns become a thing? Back in the 17th and 18th centuries, we know that people of stature started this trend to show off for their neighbors and to keep critters out of the yard. Remember, the term “It’s raining cats and dogs” comes from the fact that people in thatched-roof houses often had animals falling on them from their ceilings when it rained too hard.
But when did this idea take off in the United States? Well, post-World War II, when the first Levittown was built, beautiful lawns became the thing. The idea was to create a perfect suburb while making the closely stacked lots and houses look a little farther apart. Consequently, my entire lifetime has been dedicated to some form of lawn maintenance.
Alright, let me clear up any potential misunderstanding immediately. I don’t do the work anymore, but I do other types of work to earn the money to have our lawn mowed, sprayed, edged, weeded, trimmed and maintained. If I had all the money that having perfect grass has cost over the past 50-plus years, I could probably afford to have an apartment in Rome.
鈥媁e all know that some scientists have developed hybrid grass that only grows a few inches tall and doesn’t need to be cut or sprayed, but that patent has been bought and killed. It would be like those cars that get 600 miles to a gallon of water.
Yes, robots are taking over our factories, and AI will soon be driving our trucks and cars, but why oh why do we have to keep doing this grass thing? Between ticks, sneezing, grub worms, and dandelion-killing spray treatments, I’d be happy with some stones and a concrete cactus-like they have in Arizona.
鈥婱aybe, just maybe my next house will come with grass-eating baby goats.
Nick Jacobs is a Windber resident.